It was December of 1999, I was 39, and I had no idea that I had a spirit guide -- let alone that we had already been communicating for ten years. I had simply discovered through stream-of-consciousness writing that whenever I wanted to, I could access a very wise aspect of my subconscious mind. I called this aspect "my higher self" and I was content to leave it at that. I should also mention that I was a much different person back then – most notably, my base-line emotion was generally one of frustration and anger. You see, having been visited by the Beautiful Being sixteen years earlier, I felt tremendously burdened and guilt-ridden by the fact that I had never found a way to share or discuss this amazing experience. Consequently, as I closed in on my 40th birthday, my frustration and anger had climbed to almost unbearable levels (although I somehow managed to keep all of this well-hidden from everyone but my wife). Anyhow, now you have a very general understanding as to who I was when the following channeled conversation took place.
*****
I have established that my subconscious is angry. That’s all it is – angry. So how can I move past this? This can not be a healthy way to exist.
How can I make my subconscious happy? Answer please.
How can I make my subconscious happy? Answer please.
You have to let go of the past. It is what holds you back. Your past is consuming you – holding you back from your future. Change the way you think about things. For example: Don’t try to hold your breath when you dive. Try to exhale. That is a subtle way to change. Here’s another: Don’t always ask God to help you – ask yourself to help you. You know the way. You just trap yourself into thinking you don’t. Don’t order something from another when you have it already. That is foolish. Yours is a foolish way of doing things.
This is nonsense isn’t it?
Recognize the nonsense from the truth. There will be some nonsense in our messages. We don’t have a way to purify your impure thoughts. In time, you will be able to do this. For now, you have to accept the good with the bad – like weeding a garden. You will know the truth when you hear it. And practice. Practice makes perfect – you’ve heard this before. It’s true of all things. You must practice these things as well --if you want to have the truth while you are alive. The truth doesn’t do you too much good when you’re dead now does it? I thought you might agree. There it is then, practice. So what do you want to know about right now?
Where is God in my life? Why do I feel abandoned?
That is two questions of course. The first – let me see, how to answer this. Let me see. If you close your eyes, I can show you where God is in your life. Go ahead. Close your eyes. Stop typing.
Ok. So I saw a lot of nothing. You didn’t have to get me to close my eyes to show me that. I obviously need a lot more of God in my life than there is to show me. I want God at the core of my being. I want to emanate God’s goodness. That is not happening to any degree I am aware of.
You are better than you know.
Perhaps, but I do not create.
You are creating right now.
Perhaps, but I want to create in a meaningful way. Not in a way that will have me locked up in an institution.
You are. Don’t you worry. You do as we say, and you will be happy and creative and fulfilled.
As you say. That sounds awfully foreboding. I have a HUGE issue about control. I will never NEVER EVER do something someone tells me to do if I do not understand it. I will never do anything (other than perhaps typing these strange writings) that may cause people to think of me as crazy. I was threatened with being crazy once [in a traumatic encounter with The Grim Reaper seventeen years earlier]. Now I am terrified of it. I still wonder to this day if perhaps I was being threatened with something that I could not stop from happening – the craziness. In the meantime, something LARGE is missing from my life. I am entirely unfulfilled. There is a hole in the center of my being and I am quite literally dying to fill it. I fear I am on a downward turn, heading on that sure fire course to my grave, and that I will never fill that hole. Why won’t God give me a direction that I am capable of fulfilling? Everything I am moved to attempt I fall short at. And like I’ve said before, I have never had a creative thought that turned my crank – one that obsessed me to such an extent, I could not help but sit down and complete it. A story idea, of course, is what I’m speaking of. Why am I so bottled up?
Because you care too much. Care a little less about what you are writing. Just write to write. Don’t think about the direction you’re writing in. Just write with no purpose other than to write – like you are doing right now. You do not know where you are going with this, yet you persist. You trust. You are going with it. That’s how your writing should be. You are not one to plan out a scheme, a blueprint and follow it. God has your blueprint. If you just accept this and write, you will see that there is indeed direction to your writing and you will be amazed at your output. You are an old guy. You have been around a lot longer than William Shakespeare. You don’t need to be inhibited. You know innately the direction you should go so GO my son. Do not wait any longer. There are others out there already who do what you do not. They write for the sake of writing and they feel fulfilled. Sometimes you will write garbage and other times you will write beautiful words. Just like our transmissions, you will learn to weed, like a garden, our words from the garbage. I say our words, but they are all of our words – yours, ours, the human collective. Do not despair. Just sit at the typewriter and GO – like right now. This is fantastic! Doesn’t it feel good?
Yes, I admit, it feels good to create something out of nothing – even if it is a strange conversation with myself. But, I do like it. So, now that I have been pumped and primed, what shall we write about?
I thought we would start by writing about spirits. The world of spirits is a much debated account of sordid and varied details. Don’t you think?
I wouldn’t really know. But I do enjoy a good “ghost story” if it speaks to the heart – if you know what I mean?
Yes. We do. Like the movie “Ghost.” It spoke to your heart, didn’t it?
Yes.
Well, spirits are like chocolate. The more you eat of them, the more you want. That is not a good thing for too many people, yourself included. You like chocolate. That’s why you refuse to eat it in the first place. Not because you don’t like it – just the opposite. Well, the world of the spirit is the same for humans. It’s an addiction – one that can and does drive them over the edge. You see, it’s rather funny to us, because you will all be here soon enough. To us, being human has the same effect. It is an addiction which we can not resist either – when God lets us – gives us the means to approach you – we thrive. We love it. It makes us feel important in the same way it makes you feel important. Your experiment is one of the greatest things we have to deal with in the galaxy. It is fun and exciting, dynamic, always changing, full of surprises, excitement, yes, it is thrilling to be a part of it, even if indirect, even if surreptitious. I know you did not expect that word, but that is what I meant. A lot of spiritual activity is on the sly. People don’t know about it or else they would be afraid, not participate, so it is done on the sly. The take or the game is to have fun at the human’s expense. That is not a good healthy relationship, but it is very common – to totally waste the humans time for the sake of spiritual pleasure.
Is that what you’re doing now? Of course, before you answer this, I will qualify this question by saying, that is what I believe you are doing now – that you are simply wasting my time, having me eat more and more of your chocolate until I get to such a point that I no longer live in this world, but live in an in-between frivolous place that serves no useful purpose other than to pump me up and pump you up. We are both desperate enough to enter this world. We both have this insatiable desire to do good – at least I do – and God knows, I will go to almost any length to feel important and useful – to contribute in some way to the collective consciousness.
Yes. Yes. Yes. You are too good for this game. So why don’t you stop now?
Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I am not good enough. I can’t cut it here. I won’t make the team. I am a waste of time and space. I am an experiment gone sour – bad milk – excess baggage. I am afraid of all of this. It overwhelms me. I don’t know what to do. I am not a danger to anyone but myself. I am slowly killing myself with this sort of psychic pain. I have a lot of it – too much of it. I am afraid and I am overwhelmed by it. Should I seek counseling? What should I do? These are the reasons I am trying this method of communication. Life does not make sense to me. It is a strange play and I want to get in it but can’t. I am an outsider and I don’t like it out here. I want to be on the inside looking out but I CAN’T HELP MYSELF TO GET THERE. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING TO LIVE WHERE I DO, IN THIS IN-BETWEEN SORT OF PLACE. [the caps just happened on their own] It’s the worst, the very worst. What to do? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. I wish God would help me. I wish I had some financial security – miraculous financial security so that I could relax on a certain level. Just sit back and relax. Concentrate on writing, family, and my physical body – build it up, stronger, more attuned, more focused – to get ready for something – something exciting. That is my fantasy, but it consumes me. It prevents me from feeling well, relaxed – anything but complacent – far from it. I am so afraid that I don’t know how to get out of this place, this trap, this place I’ve destined myself to. It’s awful and I want out desperately. That’s why I talk to you. In the hope that there might be something there – some direction that I’m lacking – some miraculous way of getting me to break the barriers that hold me back. Just hoping. Praying that God will allow this transgression. If that’s what this is – a transgression. I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t want to transgress to get what I want. I want to be good – to do as I should. That’s enough. I could go on repeating myself for hours.
So, do it. Just do it. I dare you to try and write. Just see where it goes. Just try this way. Maybe it will be a waste of time, and maybe it won’t. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised or maybe you will get frustrated further and give up. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Right?
Yes, true enough. I suppose it’s better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all.
All good adages these.
There’s an adage for everything now isn’t there?
Not for this. What you are trying is monumental – brave – robust of you to begin such a journey. There is no adage for bravery. Just because you don’t understand something – doesn’t mean you are destined to fail. Remember that that you read – small doors lead to large rooms. Well, so it is.
Yes, so it is – another adage.
Oh well, maybe we use too many of them. All the same, good luck and God speed. We all wish you well in spite of yourself and your unholy fears. Amen.
This is nonsense isn’t it?
Recognize the nonsense from the truth. There will be some nonsense in our messages. We don’t have a way to purify your impure thoughts. In time, you will be able to do this. For now, you have to accept the good with the bad – like weeding a garden. You will know the truth when you hear it. And practice. Practice makes perfect – you’ve heard this before. It’s true of all things. You must practice these things as well --if you want to have the truth while you are alive. The truth doesn’t do you too much good when you’re dead now does it? I thought you might agree. There it is then, practice. So what do you want to know about right now?
Where is God in my life? Why do I feel abandoned?
That is two questions of course. The first – let me see, how to answer this. Let me see. If you close your eyes, I can show you where God is in your life. Go ahead. Close your eyes. Stop typing.
Ok. So I saw a lot of nothing. You didn’t have to get me to close my eyes to show me that. I obviously need a lot more of God in my life than there is to show me. I want God at the core of my being. I want to emanate God’s goodness. That is not happening to any degree I am aware of.
You are better than you know.
Perhaps, but I do not create.
You are creating right now.
Perhaps, but I want to create in a meaningful way. Not in a way that will have me locked up in an institution.
You are. Don’t you worry. You do as we say, and you will be happy and creative and fulfilled.
As you say. That sounds awfully foreboding. I have a HUGE issue about control. I will never NEVER EVER do something someone tells me to do if I do not understand it. I will never do anything (other than perhaps typing these strange writings) that may cause people to think of me as crazy. I was threatened with being crazy once [in a traumatic encounter with The Grim Reaper seventeen years earlier]. Now I am terrified of it. I still wonder to this day if perhaps I was being threatened with something that I could not stop from happening – the craziness. In the meantime, something LARGE is missing from my life. I am entirely unfulfilled. There is a hole in the center of my being and I am quite literally dying to fill it. I fear I am on a downward turn, heading on that sure fire course to my grave, and that I will never fill that hole. Why won’t God give me a direction that I am capable of fulfilling? Everything I am moved to attempt I fall short at. And like I’ve said before, I have never had a creative thought that turned my crank – one that obsessed me to such an extent, I could not help but sit down and complete it. A story idea, of course, is what I’m speaking of. Why am I so bottled up?
Because you care too much. Care a little less about what you are writing. Just write to write. Don’t think about the direction you’re writing in. Just write with no purpose other than to write – like you are doing right now. You do not know where you are going with this, yet you persist. You trust. You are going with it. That’s how your writing should be. You are not one to plan out a scheme, a blueprint and follow it. God has your blueprint. If you just accept this and write, you will see that there is indeed direction to your writing and you will be amazed at your output. You are an old guy. You have been around a lot longer than William Shakespeare. You don’t need to be inhibited. You know innately the direction you should go so GO my son. Do not wait any longer. There are others out there already who do what you do not. They write for the sake of writing and they feel fulfilled. Sometimes you will write garbage and other times you will write beautiful words. Just like our transmissions, you will learn to weed, like a garden, our words from the garbage. I say our words, but they are all of our words – yours, ours, the human collective. Do not despair. Just sit at the typewriter and GO – like right now. This is fantastic! Doesn’t it feel good?
Yes, I admit, it feels good to create something out of nothing – even if it is a strange conversation with myself. But, I do like it. So, now that I have been pumped and primed, what shall we write about?
I thought we would start by writing about spirits. The world of spirits is a much debated account of sordid and varied details. Don’t you think?
I wouldn’t really know. But I do enjoy a good “ghost story” if it speaks to the heart – if you know what I mean?
Yes. We do. Like the movie “Ghost.” It spoke to your heart, didn’t it?
Yes.
Well, spirits are like chocolate. The more you eat of them, the more you want. That is not a good thing for too many people, yourself included. You like chocolate. That’s why you refuse to eat it in the first place. Not because you don’t like it – just the opposite. Well, the world of the spirit is the same for humans. It’s an addiction – one that can and does drive them over the edge. You see, it’s rather funny to us, because you will all be here soon enough. To us, being human has the same effect. It is an addiction which we can not resist either – when God lets us – gives us the means to approach you – we thrive. We love it. It makes us feel important in the same way it makes you feel important. Your experiment is one of the greatest things we have to deal with in the galaxy. It is fun and exciting, dynamic, always changing, full of surprises, excitement, yes, it is thrilling to be a part of it, even if indirect, even if surreptitious. I know you did not expect that word, but that is what I meant. A lot of spiritual activity is on the sly. People don’t know about it or else they would be afraid, not participate, so it is done on the sly. The take or the game is to have fun at the human’s expense. That is not a good healthy relationship, but it is very common – to totally waste the humans time for the sake of spiritual pleasure.
Is that what you’re doing now? Of course, before you answer this, I will qualify this question by saying, that is what I believe you are doing now – that you are simply wasting my time, having me eat more and more of your chocolate until I get to such a point that I no longer live in this world, but live in an in-between frivolous place that serves no useful purpose other than to pump me up and pump you up. We are both desperate enough to enter this world. We both have this insatiable desire to do good – at least I do – and God knows, I will go to almost any length to feel important and useful – to contribute in some way to the collective consciousness.
Yes. Yes. Yes. You are too good for this game. So why don’t you stop now?
Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I am not good enough. I can’t cut it here. I won’t make the team. I am a waste of time and space. I am an experiment gone sour – bad milk – excess baggage. I am afraid of all of this. It overwhelms me. I don’t know what to do. I am not a danger to anyone but myself. I am slowly killing myself with this sort of psychic pain. I have a lot of it – too much of it. I am afraid and I am overwhelmed by it. Should I seek counseling? What should I do? These are the reasons I am trying this method of communication. Life does not make sense to me. It is a strange play and I want to get in it but can’t. I am an outsider and I don’t like it out here. I want to be on the inside looking out but I CAN’T HELP MYSELF TO GET THERE. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING TO LIVE WHERE I DO, IN THIS IN-BETWEEN SORT OF PLACE. [the caps just happened on their own] It’s the worst, the very worst. What to do? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. I wish God would help me. I wish I had some financial security – miraculous financial security so that I could relax on a certain level. Just sit back and relax. Concentrate on writing, family, and my physical body – build it up, stronger, more attuned, more focused – to get ready for something – something exciting. That is my fantasy, but it consumes me. It prevents me from feeling well, relaxed – anything but complacent – far from it. I am so afraid that I don’t know how to get out of this place, this trap, this place I’ve destined myself to. It’s awful and I want out desperately. That’s why I talk to you. In the hope that there might be something there – some direction that I’m lacking – some miraculous way of getting me to break the barriers that hold me back. Just hoping. Praying that God will allow this transgression. If that’s what this is – a transgression. I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t want to transgress to get what I want. I want to be good – to do as I should. That’s enough. I could go on repeating myself for hours.
So, do it. Just do it. I dare you to try and write. Just see where it goes. Just try this way. Maybe it will be a waste of time, and maybe it won’t. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised or maybe you will get frustrated further and give up. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Right?
Yes, true enough. I suppose it’s better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all.
All good adages these.
There’s an adage for everything now isn’t there?
Not for this. What you are trying is monumental – brave – robust of you to begin such a journey. There is no adage for bravery. Just because you don’t understand something – doesn’t mean you are destined to fail. Remember that that you read – small doors lead to large rooms. Well, so it is.
Yes, so it is – another adage.
Oh well, maybe we use too many of them. All the same, good luck and God speed. We all wish you well in spite of yourself and your unholy fears. Amen.
*****
Four years later, my spiritual journey continued in earnest after I found myself moved by intuition to write down every last painful memory I could think of from my childhood. Through that incredibly cathartic process, I found forgiveness for myself and for anyone who had ever inflicted harm on me. Please see this link for one particularly interesting experience that resulted from that undertaking.
0 comments:
Post a Comment